She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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