I can't breathe out the right side of my face
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so let's talk penis.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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