Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
