tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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