mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
