i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
