I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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