dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
