Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
