I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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