That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize