I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
