My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I looked at my own cervix.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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