I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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