a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
