when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
where are my eyebrows?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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