I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
