no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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