after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
