Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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