there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
