textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize