Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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