There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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