I think i sorta joined a cult last night
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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