No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
