Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
