wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
