i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
