you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
