I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
we're so committed to being not committed
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
