He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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