Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
