My nipple is on Facebook.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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