you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
