Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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