I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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