My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
