At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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