How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
