He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
