I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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