If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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