May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
