there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Randomize
