ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
