I murdered the dance floor call the cops
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
NoShamevember. You game?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize