i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
