non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
