I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
where are you?
Hypothermia
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
