Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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