And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
