im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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