At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
