I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
