Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
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