you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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